Day 20 – January 20, 2018
So now that I have a clear revelation of what is going on with me. I asked, “What do I do to move forward? Where do I begin?” This is going to sound cliche, but its what I heard: love and receive His love through others.
By nature I am a loner and I generally don’t trust others, because I have been hurt sooooo many times, too many to mention (does anyone know what I’m talking about?).
I don’t want to get too close to anyone either, because then I begin to feel vulnerable, and I don’t like that or being in anyone’s debt. When you reach out to others in love, you are expected to open your heart up to them, otherwise the relationship is one-sided and phony and will fade away into nothingness. Trust me I know. I’ve had a few of those with family and friends. If you’re not going to honestly open yourself up, then do not bother.
So all of these thoughts ram-sacked my mind when I heard the word, “love.”
“Father, I don’t want to. Please, is there any other way? ‘Let this cup pass from me….’ ”
I know my next statement should be: “However, let your will be done and not my own.” But I don’t want to say that, because if I do, His will for me is to love and in doing so, I must trust someone else with me. I’m not ready to face disappointment again. This is hard for me….
I know what it looks like to allow others to enter your safe zone. People are messy, and selfish, and mean-spirited, and hateful, and envious, and jealous, and competitive, and nasty, and talk about you, and ignore you, and leave you out, and treat you as though you are invisible, and forget about you, and are pretentious, and, and, and, and ‘sometimy’, and You want me to open up to that, Father? At least show me who “they are” first and then I’ll decide ….
Daily Reflections: The struggle is real today…..
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Gurls Talk’n 
Oh, I understand this feeling oh so well!!! Letting my guards down is huge. He idea of letting those guards down and getting hurt is devastating for me. But, I must trust the process and trust God’s perfect plans. It is very challenging.
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